A Loss for Words

For the first time in my life, I am at a loss for words.

It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I can't talk.  A weekend cold turned into a raspy preaching voice, which went silent by Sunday evening.  Tuesday I was diagnosed with laryngitis and a viral infection.  It has been 120 hours since I've had a regular conversation...and counting.

For a guy whose silences are normally measured in nano-seconds, this is killing me.

As much as I've prayed for quick healing, however, this week has been eye-opening.  God has taught me more in the last few days than I've learned in a long time.  Perhaps it's all the extra hours I have, time I used to spend in conversation, that has given me time to meditate.  Maybe those of you who've spent today talking can learn from what God has taught me in this silence.

1.  Speech is a gift.  I could have told you that in theory last Saturday, but today I can assure you it's true.  Answering a telephone call is a bit awkward for me right now.  Not many people appreciate heavy breathing on the phone and the morse-code tapping on the receiver just hasn't worked out. 

Playing with my daughter has taken a turn for the worse, too.  Mouthing "How big is Brooklyn?" doesn't seem to get the same response.  She is, however, enjoying the fact that I can't say "No!" when she unravels the toilet paper roll into the hallway.

Perhaps that never dawned on me before this week.  My job, much of my parenting, my communication, my marriage is so centered on the simple functionality of the voice.  The old song says, "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone" and the song is right!  Thank God for the simple gifts that do so much.

2.  Prayer is awesome.  Today I went down to eat lunch with the school kids (don't worry, the doc says I'm no longer contagious).  I waved to the 1st graders and smiled as I sat next to the 4th graders.  Their teacher shook his head and lamented my condition.  No one could hear a word in my head.  Smiles and nods had to do.

Until I prayed.  It dawned on me during that simple table prayer that God was hearing every word.  For the last 5 days I had scribbled or typed or mouthed simple ideas, but when I prayed God understood every sentence, no matter how complex.  My thanks and my requests and my confession--he didn't lose a syllable.  For those of us who struggle with words or aren't top-notch communicators, what a stunning thought it is to know that God "gets" us!  No one else may really understand, but God certainly does.

3.  God has a sense of humor.  On Tuesday, I went home early to rest.  As I pulled out of the church lot, a neighbor was walking in the rain.  I thought I would ask him if he needed a ride...Let me rephrase that, I thought I would point vigorously at him, the passenger seat in my car, and some unknown destination he was headed towards and hoped he would hear, "Do you need a ride?"  The confused neighbor stopped, approached my car, and looked at me like I was having some sort of seizure.  Thankfully, his hearing is good because he understood my whisper.  It made me wonder how I would love people if I couldn't speak.  How would I tell people about Jesus?  I laughed (silently) after I dropped him off.  Nothing like scaring the church's neighbors!

4.  People are weird.  Why, when I whisper, do people whisper back?  It's not like there's some rule about whispering to whisperers, is there?  I don't close my eyes when I talk with the blind members of our church. 

5.  Jesus is better than I realized.  Over the past few days, I've wondered what it would be like to live like this.  What would life be like if I could never tell my wife, "I love you" or ask my daughter, "What sound does a puppy make?"  I probably couldn't be a pastor, so what would I do?

That made me think of Jesus' miracles.  In Mark 7, the crowds bring a man who "could barely talk" and they beg Jesus to do something.  Jesus takes the man aside, prays to his Father in heaven, and "loosens his tongue" and the man "begins to speak plainly."  Can you even imagine?  I can!  After all that time, Jesus changed everything.

This week will give me a new perspective on Jesus' miracles.  How can we comprehend what it was like for the blind to see or the lame to walk or the deaf to hear for the very first time?  How can we picture their faces when that first word came spilling out and the million other words, bound up for 40 years, came gushing out after it?  How can we envision those eyes, never having seen a sunset or the citrus colors of a fruit stand, as they first saw what the world looks like?  Jesus is so beyond anything we can comprehend!

6.  All things work for our good.  My wife is due with our second child tomorrow.  That's right--tomorrow.  If she goes into labor soon, I will only be able to mouth the encouragement, "Push!" or use creative hand-signals to tell her the baby is almost out.  Thankfully, I can still make those breathing noises they taught us at the hospital, "Hee-Hee-Hoo!"

I'm not sure if my new child will hear daddy's voice on his/her first day in this world.  But I'm not too concerned.  I was at first, but not anymore.  After all, if God has taught me so much in the last few days, why would I think he won't teach me even more tomorrow?  Maybe I'll have to wait and the wait will strengthen my appreciation for God's simple gifts.  Maybe I'll shout like old Zechariah from Luke 1, "His name is __________!" when the time comes (sorry, the name's a secret for now.).  Sometimes life is inconvenient, but I love knowing that with God at the wheel, it is never pointless. 

Or maybe I'll start talking again tonight and the world will go back to rolling its eyes at my lame jokes and pointless commentary.

I look forward to talking to you soon...