How to Parent So Children Will Learn
This is an article written by Dr. Sylvia Rimm on raising kids. I hope you learned something. We all want our children to learn in school. But, do we always know how best to do it?
How to Parent So Children Will Learn
Ø Take charge; don’t over-empower your children.
Your children require leadership and limits
to feel secure. Envision the letter “V” in LoVe. When children are small, they’re at the base of the “V” with a few choices, little freedom and small responsibilities that match their small size. As they mature, they should have more choices, more freedom and more responsibilities. Freedom and responsibility should increase concurrently. Children will feel trusted and healthfully empowered. If you reverse the “V” and put it upside down and children are given too many choices and freedoms, they will believe they should have all the choices. They will resent rules and responsibilities and feel as if you’re stealing their freedom when you don’t give them a choice or you try to set reasonable limits. They will seek instant gratification, total power and expect to be treated as adults before they’re ready to handle the responsibilities of their overempowerment. In adolescence, ordinary expectations of responsibility will cause then to become angry, depressed and rebellious.
Ø Praise moderately to avoid pressure; postpone superpraise.
Praise conveys your values to your children
and sets expectations for them. A lack of praise conveys the message that you don’t believe in them. Reasonable praise statements, like good thinker, hard worker, smart, creative, strong, kind, sensitive, set high expectations that are within children’s reach. Words like perfect, the best, most beautiful, and brilliant set impossible expectations. Children internalize those expectations, and the expectations become pressures when children find they cannot achieve those high and impossible goals.
Ø Don’t discuss children’s problem behaviors within their earshot (referential speaking).
Discussion about children among adults
also sets expectations for the children. If they hear talk between parents and other adults about how jealous or mean they are, if they’re referred to as “little devils” or “ADHD” kids, if they’re constantly described as shy or fearful, they will assume adults are telling the truth and believe they can’t control these problem behaviors. On the other hand, if they hear adult talk about their positive behaviors, their confidence will increase and so will their positive behaviors.
Ø Build resiliency; don’t rescue your child from reality.
Although children need protection,
overprotection encourages dependency and oversensitivity. You can be kind without being oversympathetic. Your children will need to learn to recover from losses and failures, and independence and resiliency will permit them to triumph over obstacles.
Ø Stay united, be willing to compromise and try to say good things about your child’s other parent.
Leaders in a family that lead in opposite
directions confuse children. Children will not respect parents who show no respect for each other. Describing your child’s other parent as an “ogre” or “dummy” may make you feel like a good parent temporarily, but your sabotage will backfire, and your child will no longer respect either of you.
Make it clear to your children that you value and respect the intelligence of your spouse or (even your ex-spouse). Don’t put your spouse (or ex-spouse) down except in jest and when it’s absolutely clear that you are joking. Use private conversations with your children to point out the excellent qualities of your husband or wife (or ex-spouse).
Be sure to describe your spouse’s career in respectful terms so that neither you nor your spouse are feeling as if you’re doing work that the other doesn’t value.
Don’t join in alliance with your child against your spouse (or ex-spouse) in any way that suggests disrespect. Sometimes parents do that subtly, as in, “I agree with you, but I’m not sure I can convince your mom (or dad).” If you communicate to your child that you value his or her other parent, it will almost always be good for your child, for your spouse (or ex-spouse) and for you. Be particularly careful during adolescence. Just a few slips may initiate rebellion.
Reassure your children frequently of both their parents’ mutual support for them. Be absolutely firm in not letting them manipulate either one of you against the other. However, both of you need to stay positive with your children, or they will perceive your united front as a union against them. When children have been accustomed to manipulating one parent against the other, and the parents become united, they may feel left out, betrayed or depressed unless both parents manage to stay positive.
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